Man Rides Bike

A man was put on three months probation in Scotland yesterday having admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace after being caught fucking a bike. Well guys, if you're anything like me you're probably thinking "there but for the grace of God go I". Who among us has not found ourselves looking with lusty loin at a bike, probably dressed provocatively and asking for it, parked up against a wall, its handle bars splayed in a pleasing symmetry, the saddle almost whispering "Sit on me you bitch, I want to feel your arse all over me!"? The strong willed just walk on by but poor old Robert Stewart, 51, didn't. He'd had a few drinks and, well, you know the rest.....

So far, so ha-ha. But this raises a serious point or two. Stewart was in his bedroom in an Ayr hostel. He had the door shut and locked and if there hadn't been cleaners with a master key that wanted to enter the room then no-one would have known and no-one would have been hurt. Isn't what one does in the privacy of one's own room their business and no-one else's unless they harm someone or something? (You could say the same thing about drug use, I know, but behind a drug use conviction is the argument that the user is supporting an illegal trade. There was no illegal trade here. Unless Stewart bought the bike from someone who pimped bikes. If you pimp bikes does that mean you peddle their wares? Sorry.) If the cleaners had entered the room and discovered Stewart with a woman you can be sure that they would have apologised and left them to it. For some reason, if a man gets his kicks in an unusual but harmless way then it's suddenly a matter for the Police.

Stewart will now be on the Sex Offender's Register for three years. This is just a mockery. The register is there for people who are a danger to the public. This man got up to something pretty strange, sure, but it was in his own room and he was harming no-one. Let's face it: if the Police were to start bursting into people's bedroom's they'd soon have most of the country on the register. Poor old Robert Stewart could now find himself getting beaten up just because he has a penchant for mounting bikes.

I reckon he would have a case should he wish to appeal. His privacy has been breached and he's been labelled a sex-offender when he's done nothing wrong; surely the judgement would be overturned. On the other hand he might just want to dig a big hole and crawl into it and hope everyone and everything goes away and forgets about him for ever.