The Brits

The Brit Awards 2008 is on TV right now. I don't normally watch it but, since I'm currently lacking what many refer to as "a life", tonight I thought I'd give it a go. It's nearly finished now. As I'm typing this Alan Carr is presenting the best Single award to Take That. Alan Carr normally makes me laugh. He introduced himself tonight thus:

Hello Everyone, I'm a bit pissed. I just stuck a straw in Amy Winehouse's beehive. I'm really high now!

So, Alan, would that be the same Amy Winehouse who's currently undergoing rehab for a particularly severe and public drug addiction? Well done for that. Poor Amy, bless her tottering around in her heels looking like a little girl trying on mummy's grown up clothes. She's probably been the high point of a particularly crap Brit Awards just by virtue of not falling over. Maybe it's always this rubbish. I wouldn't know. I just found all the mediocrity on show quite dispiriting.

Mika. What is his purpose? We have Scissor Sisters. We don't need Mika.

Take That winning Best Live Act is okay, I s'pose. Better them than Kaiser Chiefs of Editors or some other piffling indie shambles. I decided that I wanted Take That to win whatever they were nominated for. They, at least, do what they do well. Which is more than can be said of nearly everything else here tonight.

After this comes one of those duets that The Brits like to put on at least one of every year. It's an abomination. Rihanna's Umbrella is a great pure pop song, one of those that only comes along every few years, like Britney's Baby One more Time. She looks and sounds fantastic. But she's playing it with two-bob Jesus Jones tribute band Klaxons. They're dressed like Doug McClure in Planet Of The Apes. Who on earth is responsible for this? It's an incredible mismatch, beauty and the beast, like David Bowie being backed by the Bay City Rollers. It really shouldn't be allowed.

Other winners? Foo Fighters. Meh. Kylie won something despite being not nearly as good as she was a few years ago. Kate Nash wins Best Female for her thrilling dittys about brushing her teeth and squeezing spots and having a dump. Has there ever been a pop star that was actually less glamourous than their audience? Kate is that pop star. Arctic Monkeys, fair enough. They're very good. And they also take the piss out of the stage school brats that have been positioned at the front of the crowd. That's a nice touch, by the way. Those poor underprivileged kids probably need all the breaks they can get.

The Osbourne's were presenting. They're a joke that wasn't ever funny in the first place. I wish they'd retire gracefully, although doing anything gracefully is probably way beyond them. Jack and Kelly were pretty good though, to be fair, they've turned out remarkably well considering (Actually, why should I be fair? Really, why?).

Having ruminated on the crapness of The Brit Awards for a few minutes now I've come to the conclusion that it's probably always been this bad. I just wasn't so bothered about it before. Getting old, me? Yeah, so what? If I can't be allowed to be a curmudgeonly old bastard in my advancing years then there's something desperately wrong and I shan't look forward to getting older any more.

News At Ten is on now, the first time I've seen it since it returned to our screens a few weeks ago. Good old reliable Trevor McDonald is still presenting (Hosting? Anchoring?), that's good. The main story is the nine year old girl who has gone missing in West Yorkshire. Let's hope she turns up soon as I get the feeling that the media and public won't be mobilised in the same way that they were for Maddie's disappearance. The girl isn't as photogenic, you see? And her parents are working class, unlike the dashing McCanns. Oh, I am cynical aren't I? I'm also right.