Thursday, 6 September 2007


I've been waiting to write this post for some time. I just needed something to happen. Now that thing has happened I can now write:

I'm walking a few inches taller this morning. The deposit that I've been expecting back from my ex-flatmate had appeared in my bank account. I've been looking forward to this moment for nearly two months: I need never deal with that hateful, frigid bitch ever again and it feels fantastic.

Just in case anyone's wondering, I mean the word frigid not in the sense that she wouldn't sleep with me (perish the fucking thought!), rather that she exhibited absolutely no warmth of feeling ever and appeared to possess not even so much as a tiny bit of sensitivity to the feelings of other people. That's not to say, however, that she isn't sensitive. She's acutely sensitive when it comes to the treatment of those things that she owns. You best treat her things good Bubba or you is in trouble! God forbid you should use the wrong rings on the hob or fill the dishwasher incorrectly!

Here's an anecdote, my favourite from my time living with her, that illustrates pretty much all anyone needs to know:

I arrive home from work. I prepare and eat my evening meal. I wash the frying pan, saucepan, plate and cutlery whilst still chewing my last mouthful as I do every day because I'm scared of her seeing that I've left things out unwashed. She arrives home from work shortly afterwards and I tense up as normal - what will she find today? She goes into the kitchen:

- Oh my God! What's that on the cooker?!

I put my head in my hands - what could I have done? Did I leave a dead rat out? Maybe I inadvertently wiped my arse on a tea towel (An aside: I'm not allowed to use tea towels to dry things after washing up. They carry germs. WHY FUCKING HAVE THEM THEN?!). I walk to the kitchen to survey the carnage.

- What's up?

- There (points at cooker). What's that?

I look at the cooker. I see nothing untoward. Is the problem so big that I need to stand back in order to properly take in its awfulness?

- I can't see anything.

- There (points closer to cooker)!

Then I see it, the source of her outrage. Why, how could I have missed such a thing? There in the corner of the ceramic hob I see four or five dots of what looks like cooking oil. The kind of spots that spit out of the pan when you're cooking. I hadn't cleaned the hob. I only finished my meal fifteen minutes previously.

That is what I had to deal with, and what I was partly referring to in this previous post when I mentioned that this last month has been unhappy. I spent every day at work hoping that time would go more slowly so I could delay going home. I spent entire evenings on edge waiting to see for which particular transgression I'd be rebuked on that particular day. I rarely escaped. One evening I texted my girlfriend at about 10pm to tell her that I hadn't yet been told off. She told me to go to bed right away. That's what I did. I lay in bed and toasted my small victory. But the victory would have been short lived. I don't know what happened the next day but I would definitely have been told off for something. I didn't ever go two days without being told off. There are far worse horrors in the world than this but for someone who is always anxious and eager to please it was fucking terrible.

She's now out of my life forever. I might bump into her in town one day whilst out socialising but I doubt it. You see, she doesn't have many friends and doesn't get out much. The already small circle that she fraternises with is dwindling and will soon disappear. She knows the reason for this, of course. She told me. It's because those friends she loses are jealous of her. Of course! The woman's lack of self-awareness is quite astonishing, like those people who audition for X Factor yet display the musical talents of a drunk, tone-deaf banshee. She really has no idea of her awfulness. Maybe one day she'll learn and save herself from the sad, lonely dotage that surely awaits.

I'm happy right now. She's out of my life, my new flat is nice and so's my new flatmate. Life is good, once again, after a temporary glitch.

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