Shitweasels

Starlings - Stop fucking on the lawn outside my flat. Have some decency, yeah? Just because you look as if you've been recently rescued from an oil slick off the coast of Alaska doesn't mean you have to act like dirty bastards, you dirty bastards.

Manchester City FC - I used to have a soft spot for you lot, attendances going up when you got relegated cos you have proper fans, those fans having a sense of humour, for not being United etc. Now you make me sick. What is it with this desire to be owned by some of the world's worst human rights abusers? What next, a managerial dream team consisting of the exhumed corpses of Hitler and Pol Pot? God, I hope Fulham beat you again this weekend. Just don't publicly flog us if we do.

Kids round my way - I know you nicked the badge from the front of my Mazda cos I saw you do it to someone else's car. If I catch you near my car again you'll need to remove another badge. A really big one. From your collective anus.

Kasabian - An excess of guitar fx does not disguise your dearth of ideas, it only accentuates it, you paisley scarf wearing twats. No matter how much you polish and buff it, cover it in make up and spray it with cheap cologne, a turd will always be a turd.

Man, this feels good, I could go on like this all night!